I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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