my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
