Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
