I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
