i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
