A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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