all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
