Porn is love you can see.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
