Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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