Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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