A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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