I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We had to coat check the pizza.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
