yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
