Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
