either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
