Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
