FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
