I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
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