I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
