i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
