I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
