I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
