i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
