I was born with a shot glass in my hand
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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