I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
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