I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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