I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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