You can't special order awesome
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
