she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
