4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
