why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just gargled with NyQuil
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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