who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize