when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
