Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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