just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
