The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
