Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
