Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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