Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
