I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Floor bacon is actually really good
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
