No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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