You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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