Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
