so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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