You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Dicks are not precious.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize