New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
