So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
