So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
