I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
