im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize