Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
