I am in a vortex of obligation.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
This toilet bowl is my home.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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