does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
